Written by Cynthia Davis, Ph.D., licensed psychologist on our staff, for our quarterly newsletter, "Seedlings":
"We want to extend our condolences to the families
of the victims of the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook School in Connecticut. A month has passed since this
heartbreaking, unthinkable event occurred, and while the initial shockwaves it
sent across our nation may have slowed, the aftershocks are as real and
powerful. It will take time and
caring, thoughtful discussion to process its meaning for each of us as
individual people, as families, as institutions, and as communities.
As members of this community whose members include children and adolescents with
autism, their families, and providers of services, we have been especially
aware of the impact of media reports that the shooter, Adam Lanza, may have had
various diagnoses such as a personality disorder, Asperger’s, or
high-functioning autism. These
reports seemed to lead to an assumption that a diagnosis of autism spectrum
disorder, or a mental health disorder, might be causally linked to violence.
This stigma, and the fear of the stigma, filled the internet for many days
after the shooting. We want to join our voice with the voices of others who
have made it clear that autism was not
and is not the “cause” of
violence. As the American
Psychological Association has stated, violence is a learned behavior, not a
symptom of a disorder. And the American Psychiatric Association made clear, the
vast majority (96%) of violent crimes are committed by persons who do not have
a mental disorder.
While we may not be directly connected to the
families at Sandy Hook, we still will have our response to this trauma from a
distance. Parents attending our January 14th Fireside Chat at
Greenhouse on this topic shared their personal responses including fear for
their children’s future acceptance by others. We all want our children to feel a sense of belonging and
acceptance with others, but we fear they may be stigmatized out of fears and
misunderstandings. Some parents fear
having teachers or other parents misunderstand their children’s expressions of
frustration or grief and quickly jump to assumptions that their children may be
violent. And some expressed fear
for the future when they have difficulty now helping their children manage
strong negative feelings. Fear
naturally arises when you don’t know what to do to help a child you dearly love.
Then when you peer into the future when your child will be bigger and stronger,
this fear can make it hard to chart a calm course for helping your child. It is hard to hope when you are
scared.
Here are some suggestions for “staying the
course” with yourself and your child:
1) Reassure
yourself that even in the midst of such media and internet storms, there are
many people out there who think carefully and love well. They will be available
to help advocate for your children and for you. Look for them, talk with them, be one of them!
2) Remember
that hope can come from taking the “long view.” A difficult day with your child or for your child today does
not dictate future disasters. You
can reflect on the difficulties, by yourself or with someone you trust, and
make wise and loving decisions that will make things better in the long run.
3) Empathy
makes a difference. Keep working
to help your children learn to regulate their feelings. The DIR/Floortime Coalition of California
advocates that we focus on “parenting skills that emphasize empathy,
understanding children’s individual profiles, anticipating anxieties, and
dealing with discipline in a way that does not lead into power struggles.” It
may take some time, but consistently working to understand children, to help
them “feel felt,” can build their emotional regulation.
4) Practice
advocacy. Sometimes, when you are
in a situation where your child is criticized or misunderstood, it feels too
hard to stick up for him in a positive and firm way. It can help to come up with a few lines that you can
practice ahead of time and have ready in your “back pocket” for situations such
as these.
5) Help
children anticipate that there are people available to help them by:
a. Recognizing
that they need help when they seem disregulated, and helping others around the
child to recognize this too.
b. Having
the child practice ways to cope in situations that are likely to be
anxiety-provoking, such as asking for help during those situations, and then
celebrating successes afterward.
c. Participating
in communities where empathy and caring are strong values.
6) Remember
that our children may process things differently from “neurotypical”
children. They may be drawn to
graphic details in stories, not because they like those details, but because
they fear them and need help processing distressing memories or fears. They may need you to talk with them
while they are “doing” something else because an active body helps manage
strong feelings. They may need to
use strong words at first, and then gradually learn to refine those words. They may need you to “see” their
struggles because words are not an adequate expression of their affect.
You will probably have many more ideas of your
own. Please share them with us! Most of all, we want to encourage open,
reflective dialogue with each other about this issue, and whatever issues may
have arisen for you in this last challenging month. Let’s talk…."
Cynthia Davis, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical
Psychologist
